Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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