She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
