i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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