i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
