You just made me feel so damn special
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
