I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
