dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
