Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
