Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
