Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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