My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
