If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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