if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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