why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Randomize
