i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
