i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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