ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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