my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
