Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I am one with the molecules
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
