now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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