there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
