She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
