Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
