I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
