I think I won the penis lottery.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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