So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
