God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
