Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
