Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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