Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
