I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
