Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
