My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize