I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
