I haven't been this sober since birth.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
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