After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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