my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
