1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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