I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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