A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
