Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
