how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
