I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Girls should come with a carfax report
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
