Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
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