She told me I should be a condom model.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
