I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I pour the whiskey from now on
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
