so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
