and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
