i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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