hotel room ftw
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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