I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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