You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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