There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
