He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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