Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
