Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize