i permit you to call me
lets start a swedish sibling band together
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
