Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
