Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize